For the last couple of years, I've made it a point to disengage from mainstream news media because I started to notice how annoyed, down and ultimately powerless I felt about the problems we're facing in the world today.
I'd watch the nightly news on the couch with my husband before bed and wind up thinking "geez, everything is wrong in this world. We've literally figured nothing out."
I don't remember the exact moment that I realized it wasn't serving me to go to bed night after night feeling hopeless about humans, but at some point I made a clean cut from t.v., radio, magazines, and more.
I even asked my husband to stop forwarding me texts throughout the day of alerts from his news app about mass shootings and terrorist attacks.
I created a bubble, and I got really comfortable in it.
So, when I came across a video on social media of an author who's books on vulnerability I really love, I was hesitant to turn the audio on and listen to what she was sharing. But something told me to do it anyway.
The overall point that she made in the video was that burying our heads in the sand just furthers the problems, and I realized that my blissful ignorance of world events was exactly what she was calling out. OUCH.
Of course, the very next thing I saw in my newsfeed was a sort of mini-documentary that had been quickly put together that demonstrated events that took place in Charlottesville. What I witnessed in the video horrified me.
I watched that video about 8 days ago, and since then I've felt just.... OFF.
Usually when I write a blog post, it's because I feel inspired to share something that I've learned or a new perspective on a challenge or issue you have.
Today, my friends, I've got nothing.
I have no answers, no tips, no advice.
Things in my family life feel intense right now.
- We have our old house for sale (and if you've ever had to do showing to sell a home that children live in, I don't have to tell you how stressful that experience is), and our new home will not be finished at the anticipated date (which I was proooooooooomised would be before school started).
- My husband and I have been arguing more than talking.
- My heart is called to homeschooling, yet my children are attending school.
- Add the anticipation of having another baby to the mix, and I suppose it's not surprising that I feel a little banana-pants crazy.
Yet, I also feel like a big ol' whine bag for feeling this way. When I step back and examine these things that are so darn stressful to me right now, I know that we're fortunate to be able to have all of these good "problems".
I wish I had more clarity on where we will be living two weeks from now and on how I'm going to restructure my businesses so that I can take care of a brand new baby and on what the right thing to do about school/homeschool is and how to solve hatred and racism in our country.
My mom always said "wish in one hand and $#it in another."
No surprise then that problem-solving is just my nature.
But the solutions to these "problems" seem to be hiding under a very heavy rock. I can see the rock, I know the answers I'm looking for are under it. Yet.... I can't move the stupid rock no matter how hard I try.
I've journaled, I've cried, I've slept, I've laid awake. I've tried hiding out inside all alone, and I've sat in the sun with the rays shining on my face. I've eaten my favorite ice cream, and I've eaten only plants.
I've done everything a restless soul is supposed to do to be less restless.
I even hoped that being on the path of totality during the epic solar eclipse earlier this week would deliver some kind of cosmic jolt of guidance... of clarity.
I sat outside despite warning about bacteria-filled balloons being released by NASA (apparently true, by the way--NASA released a story about it on their website); I stared at the moon and the sun with my paper glasses that promised to keep my retinas from frying.
I prayed; I waited. The sky didn't turn dark as night as we had all been promised. I heard a crowd cheer and fireworks go off at a park nearby, but despite how excited and joyful they all sounded, I felt nothing. I prayed again, waited some more....
Reluctantly, I went back inside.
Disappointed. Still worried about everything. Still no answers, no clarity. Nothing.
Everything and nothing all at the same time.
Now I sit here three days later, typing this and THIS is what I know:
the harder I look for the "answers," the more elusive they feel--and the more freaking frustrated I feel.
"I'm doing everything right!!! Why is nothing working???"
As much as I want to know exactly how things will play out for me, our kids, my businesses--the truth is... I just don't.
In this moment as I write these words, I'm reminded that my job isn't to know exactly what to do, but to hand these things up and simply to do what I must do to stay open to receiving guidance. And trusting that that guidance will come when the time's right.
THIS. The one thing I haven't done. Yet.